FIB - Scams 101

Other than it's 6 yrs. old, (Snopes), humorous! [NM]

Posted By: brupol
Date: Tuesday, December 1, 2009, at 9:42 a.m.(pst)

In Response To: Simply elegant - and off topic! (Margaret MacGillivray)

>> Hi, folks I was emailed a copy of this today and, as it caused both
>> hubby and me to have a great chuckle, I thought I'd post it here.

>> BRILLIANT!!!!! A SENIOR MOMENT -

>> An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank
>> manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and
>> this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

>> Dear Sir

>> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
>> endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>> 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the
>> arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

>> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an
>> arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years.
>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
>> also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
>> caused to your bank.

>> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

>> I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
>> letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
>> overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
>> person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
>> longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
>> personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
>> nominate.

>> Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
>> person to open such an envelope.

>> Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
>> your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
>> in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
>> there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
>> history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
>> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
>> be accompanied by documented proof.

>> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
>> he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
>> than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
>> presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
>> service.

>> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

>> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
>> buttons as follows:

>> 1-- To make an appointment to see me.

>> 2-- To query a missing payment.

>> 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

>> 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

>> 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>> nature.

>> 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

>> 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
>> computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later
>> date to the Authorised Contact.)

>> 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

>> 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
>> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
>> play for the duration of the call.

>> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
>> wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

>> Your Humble Client

>> Addendum from
>> The Editor:

>> IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old
>> woman.

>> DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

Messages In This Thread

• Simply elegant - and off topic!
  Margaret MacGillivray -- Tuesday, December 1, 2009, at 8:59 a.m.(pst)
  • Other than it's 6 yrs. old, (Snopes), humorous! [NM]
    brupol -- Tuesday, December 1, 2009, at 9:42 a.m.(pst)
    • Aaah - vintage elegance, then!
      Margaret MacGillivray -- Tuesday, December 1, 2009, at 11:12 a.m.(pst)
      • Re: Aaah - vintage elegance, then!
        Bill Justice -- Tuesday, December 1, 2009, at 5:54 p.m.(pst)
      • vintage elegance, then!: redacted
        brupol -- Thursday, December 3, 2009, at 4:56 a.m.(pst)

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