I'm going to quote some "RISK-FREE," "IRON-CLAD" guarantees plucked from various "opportunity" magazines, the internet, and junk mail I have received.  I'm not going to pick them apart until the end because I know you'll have more fun doing it yourself the first time through.  (Hint:  Pay special attention to the red stuff.)

And keep in mind, we're studying a concept here.... all the guarantees are "real" (GAG), but this is by no means a complete list of tricks.  I'll add more as often as possible.... and if you happen to see a cute one, please e-mail it to me!

MY FAVORITE WORTHLESS GUARANTEES

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #1:

"$300 CASH GUARANTEE! (Good for 1 Full Year).... I'll bet $300 CASH on your success.  That's how sure I am that you'll make MONEY with my program.  After you've located (something something something) and we've sold it for you, if you're not happy with the amount of money you've made (EVEN IF YOU MAKE $100,000 Dollars) return all of my materials and I'll pay off my bet and send you $300 just for trying. Now that's an IRON CLAD guarantee!"....

(Sorry about "something something something," but the owner of the copyright on this particular guarantee wasn't comfy with being used as an example, so just think of "something something something" as a disguise.... picture him in some expensive sunglasses, a beard, and a clown nose.)

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #2:

"ROCK SOLID GUARANTEE THAT YOU'LL SUCCEED!.... Send for my proven money making program today.  Spend about 30 minutes reading the simple step-by-step instructions.  If you give my plan an honest try and haven't made at least $1,000.00 within the first 10 days, simply return the complete package and your $24.95 purchase price will be refunded immediately..... I guarantee everything I've told you is 100% true, and can make you a lot of money, quickly and easily."

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #3:

"MONEY BACK GUARANTEE.... The $100 AN HOUR system is so remarkably profitable that I want you to examine it without taking any risk whatsoever.  Here's how.  Order the $100 AN HOUR system right now.  When you receive it, fill in the simple worksheets and mail them to the address I supply.  If you don't receive a check for $100 for every hour you spend filling in the simple worksheets, simply return the program within 60 days and I'll rush you a complete refund of your purchase price!  How's that for assurance?  You either make $100 AN HOUR using this spectacular new system, or you get a refund.  With my unconditional money back guarantee, there is no way for you to lose."

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #4:

YOU CAN'T LOSE!.... Believe it or not, some people will put this remarkable opportunity on a shelf and do absolutely nothing with it, and for this reason, it would be impossible for us to send expensive supplies to anyone and everyone who asks.  So we charge a small "good faith deposit" of $39.95, which we will REFUND IN FULL just as soon as you stuff your first 500 envelopes according to our simple instructions!  What could be easier?"

FUZZY GUARANTEE #1:

"Get my Fast Cash System! Put it to work for you. If after 60 days you do not have the same experience as I had with this system, simply return all materials for a complete refund of your purchase price.  Even if you don't like my system for any reason, my guarantee still stands!"

OKAY, LET'S PICK THESE LITTLE BUGGERS APART, SHALL WE?

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #1

What's that you say?  You'll give me my money back PLUS $300 after I locate (something something something) (I think it was "excess merchandise," as in the "liquidating business, but I really can't recall) and you've sold it for me?  But what if you don't want to sell it for me?  Where does it say you have to sell it for me?  Where's my guarantee if you don't hold up your end of the bargain?  Can I sue you?  Well gee whiz, I guess not.  "Iron Clad?"  Wait!  There's a hole in the Hefty bag!!

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #2

Did you tell me how you'll know I've given your plan "an honest try"?  Do I have to prove that I did?  I mean, what if your plan is too stupid or unethical or just plain embarrassing and I don't want to give it an honest try?  If it isn't any of those things, why didn't your ad even give me a HINT?  But gee, you are giving me your word that everything you say is true, and that makes me a feel a lot better, but I really don't know you, and I'll bet I could make a lot of money robbing banks if I wanted to give that an honest try....

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #3

This "plan" doesn't make any sense at all.... I mean, am I asking for donations?  Is it welfare fraud?  It just sounds so fishy, but I can't resist finding out, you know?.... I mean just in case it's for real.  Anyway, it's guaranteed.... uh-oh, so you mean if I DON'T want to do it at all and I DON'T ever fill in a worksheet or mail it, I can't get my money back?  Oh.  (Well that's "unconditional" alright!)

WORTHLESS GUARANTEE #4

But you forgot to tell me I have to run ads to get people to send me money with their stamped envelope for me to stuff.... and what if I can't afford to run the ads or I don't want to run the ads after I find out?  Oh, you won't give me my money back until 500 suckers actually SEND me their envelopes to stuff?  Well damn.

FUZZY GUARANTEE #1

I hate to admit I don't know.... but I really don't (yet).  There are lots of guarantees like this.... "if you do not have the same experience I had".... "if you do not earn as much money as I did".... "if my system isn't everything I say it is".... and then they go and confuse the issue with a statement that contains "for any reason."  So are you safe or not?  I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know.  I will actually be buying these grubby "opportunties" to dissect in my new book, "Biz-Ops Revealed:  A Curiosity-Seeker's Wonderland," but I don't have this one yet, so I can't say for sure what the catch is.  But I do know there is one.

AND WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?

Repeat after me:....

NEVER TRUST A GUARANTEE FARTHER THAN YOU CAN SPIT

Take me back to the Scams 101 Index!

MaaMaw here!      For a year and a half, I tried everything I knew to make money on the internet.  Nice store, good products, great prices!  I worked my hiney off... and I could count my sales on one set of toes. In 1998, I stumbled on Corey Rudl's MAGNIFICENT internet marketing course, and I've made between $350 and $3,000 every single month since then.  Rich?  Nope... but I was able to dump the business that ruined my life for 25 years, and that's good enough for me.                                                                                         Here's how I turned things around . . . . .